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Mr. Geo

So am sitted in this matatu next to a tall- short man, calling him short would be so unfair because he’s taller than the the sausages I can’t get enough of, – did I forget to mention am a vegetarian? Of course I forgot that’s because am not, I love plantsma-001 too much to let them suffer in my digestive system….. He’s staring at his wallet and cracking into a hearty laughter and am tempted to ask him if his wallet makes jokes but I choose to keep my mouth shut something I hardly do,but before I think twice he starts a conversation…

Him: Hey pretty girlo, am Geo
Me: Hey!
        My brain:Geo for Geography,you surely look like a map
Him: So whats your name plincess?
Me: Could you please shut the window (assuming i dint hear his question)
My brain: My name is Math..and its princess not plincess
Geo: Where is this beautifur girl headed?
Me: school!
My brain: Far away as possible from you.its beautiful not beautifur
Geo: You do evening crasses? what are you studying and where?
Me: Yes!
 My brain: You are overworking me,I only take one question at a time..it’s classes not crasses
Geo: You look so bored,am I bothering you?
Me: Mmh!!, Am revising something in my head, I  have a C.A.T, please excuse me!
     My brain: Oooh!! YES you are bothering me!
Geo: why do all girls assume me?
Me: (looking at my phone like i dint hear him)
    My brain:You dont seem to own a mirror…
Geo: Ooh we are here,can i have your nuber?
Me: Sure…I read him some numbers on the Matatu for complaining in case the car is over-speeding. .its number fellow not nuber
My brain: Hahahhahahaha…dad is so lucky i dint give you his number..
So am here…got to rush to class…apart from being annoying,a shrab fellow,quite irritating i think mr.Geo is okay

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Posted by on November 4, 2014 in Friendship, Stories, Uncategorized

 

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THE SEVEN SECRETS TO HIM

Cuppiecake,here i am.I know you didn’t expect to see this here;but now that you went scrolling ;you’ve hit a goldmine.I’m doing this ages before i say “I DO’ i love you, and you are snooping because you love me too and ooh you care.Like every human being i have expectations,do you?I dreamt of prince charming just like any other girl who read Romio and Juliet.Is this getting weird?You’re my prince charming or the closest i could ever get to that.

Before you say or said[depending on when you are reading this]i do…

if you are reading this piece right now before we are together then put a smile on your face because i am in the process of giving you clues;but if we are together please stop reading before you realize you did everything wrong.I love you anyway ;don’t get ulcers,u cannot redo any of this.

1.Proposal;who oimagesn earth proposes while standing?are you singing the national anthem?seated?Ive had enough lectures in campus.Go on one knee like a modest 21st century gentleman.Don’t make it two knees please,remember you are not praying.ooh did i forget to tell you,”honeyplumb i hate red flowers please consider white ones.Mmmmh and don’t propose via text i’l not see it,my S5 chooses what message to deliver and which ones to put in the spam.

2.House;I love houses,i really do my love,BUT I’d like to be in the plan,landscape,location,everywhere from design to the physical attributes.Please wait for me ‘tujenge na wewe’ i know you want to be independent,stable and settled before we get married,but honey there are banks where you can put the money for the house and wait and we can build it together right after our honeymoon.I’d be glad to top it up.Yaahh we both know i love colors but i don’t want my house to have green seats,red carpet,yellow curtains and blue walls…colors achia rainbow[no offense naturally guys are color blind]

3.My nature;I know am stubborn…not annoyingly stubborn but lovingly stubborn[don’t blame me i take after both my parents],so please be ready for some drama like pretending am dead asleep on the coach so that you can carry me to bed,and when we get to bed i laugh at you for being so sweet,or hiding the keys to the wardrobe when i don’t want you to goimagesimages to job…I can do that and many more so please be ready for me.You have to have a big heart to stand all my faded jokes.[don’t say you were not told]

4.Pregnant;Champ,honestly i love kids and i really want to be pregnant,to feel my dozen kids kicking in my belly and to get an opportunity to disturb you a little[it gives me joy]…i have it all well planned,how ill call your  office mobile when i miss you and whine like the kid is coming the next second,and no doubt you’ll come home hurriedly only to find me at the door holding a teddy bear on my hands and tell you ‘honey we just got a baby teddy,what do we call her?’i hope you wont get angry its not my fault that i missed you?is it? and as a matter of fact, dint i just ensure you got a free day off?ooh and let me tell you,ill be having lots of weird cravings in the night and wake you up to tell you how bad am craving for ‘mutura’ and how much i should eat it immediately…hehe…this is gonna be so fun.

5.Kids;Prince charimagesming,I’d like to stay home and raise my kids myself to take videos of how they cry or laugh,to hear them pronounce their first words,to take pictures of their toes and nails,to comb their hair and dress them up,to sew clothes for them and teach them how to pray,to blog all day long of how adorable my kids are..I want to be there every minute of their lives,so please honey lets work hard before we have kids because i plan to quit my job as soon as my first kid is born and resume only when  they join school,please please do not deny me this satisfaction

6.Hobbies;I just pray that you don’t watch football because am not ready to share you with a game and as a matter of fact i hope we will not have a T.V in our house for the sake of ensuring our kids have better hobbies than watching football or the so called soap operas, id rather they have hobbies like reading,drawing and playing violinimages.No offense to footballers but i have a comprehensive definition of football [twenty two idle men chasing dead skin] but considering the footballers earn millions from the game i changed my definition to talk about the fans [a bunch of idle people watching people make money while they get broke]..that’s just my opinion whats up with that facial expression?

7.The little things;Cherry ill show interest to all that you do no matter how boring it will be,if you enjoy playing PS ill even cheer you on so please do the same,show intrest in things i do,read mimagesy blog,watch me play guitar,be there to celebrate my achievements and offer a shoulder to cry on when i fail.Pray with me when i pray,surprise me with breakfast in bed,flowers in my office[not only on valentines],open the door for me and NEVER EVER forget my birthday or our anniversary.Honestly i don’t value the big things as much as the little small things,be sure I’ll do much more for you.

 

PS;i hope you consider these before asking whether I’ll marry you ,and if i already said yes i hope you stopped when i asked you to,and if not please consider point number 7

 

 
 

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THE CRAZY ONE!!!!

 

Yesterday was a special day,one of those days i felt like doing something crazy,not the crazy am used to,some other crazy,the type of crazy that is outside my routine.I hate routine but i follow mine to the letter for lack of a better alternative.May be because it is the right thing to do or perhaps because am afraid of failure more than am afraid of a poisonous snake.And so me and my friend headed to the court,not the high court….the Supreme Courtimagesto say hi to the Chief Justice Mr.Willy Mutunga, have a picture with his phone of course considering my Kenyan S5 takes black and white pictures and on noticing the Chief Justice it may as well say error 78576323516764…but our greatest task that had taken us to the supreme court was to ask Mutunga about his source of ancestral inspiration [the earring on one of his ears] …this story still puzzles me.imagesSo we first went round the supreme court studying it and Goggled a court proceeding that was to take place there,just in case questions where bombarded our way.Having full confidence we walked in like learned Kenyans looking curious as journalists and handed our ID’s.then slowly we walked in from one court room to another admiring the authentic furniture’s.’How about we go this way’ i suggested….’sure sure’ my friend suggested…we walked to some chamber and saw a court room that was so pretty…I would have been a lawyer if only lawyers could argue cases without having to read so many histories,but being a math students i had no chance of doing theory and that’s how i landed doing statistics.I had this chance of being a judge and i could not let it pass,i acted as a judge reading what i think is Mutunga’s penal code and sentenced my friend to life imprisonment for killing an unborn baby according to chapter 36[how do you put roman numbers using a comp?] section 2A.This place was ideal for hide and seek and so i tried hiding and my friend looked for me….after around one hour of venturing the supreme court we tweeted Willy Mutunga and asked him to come and have a picture with us…but Mutunga did not come…he missed a lot,quite a lot i must say,’having a picture with us is not easy,we are not sure next time we will give you the opportunity of having a picture with us’ we tweeted.It was now time to go home and so we got out of the chambers we were in ,only to see a poster written ‘STAFF ONLY’images Oops we had been playing all through in the area were non employes were not supposed to enter…teren teren…i hope the CCTV guy had a fun day checking us out and we will not find anything on you tube like ‘FRIENDS PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK IN THE SUPREME COURT’ please Mr. this was not us,twas the crazy one in us.

 
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Posted by on June 5, 2014 in Stories

 

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I WANT

I want to run,run and run…till am so far from the world,where I can scream and cry as much as I want with no question or comment directed my way,where I can laugh at myself for all my foolishness,clap for myself for all my successes.some place ill not have you, someplace I can write on my diaryimages till there no more pages and throw the diary in the water fall hoping that no human being will find it, perhaps hoping God will take and read it through and grant me the one thing I’ve been praying for day and night if not everything I’ve written there…I want to cry my tears out without my mum comforting me,I want to watch the river flow and make a song with its tune,I want to look at the sun rise and see it set with its voluminous flaming orangeimagesimages,I want to take selfies and update on my own social site where I have no followers or stalkers.i want to sleep on the hay watching the stars and fantasizing as the moon reflects its romance on my face.I want to be rained on till my tears don’t make no sense…I want to make fire with stones and sticks and eat squirrels for supper,I want to be scared by the lions till I fall asleep ,I want to eat wild fruits for my breakfast and take a shower in the river.i want to be away from this cars that hoot in unison spoiling my eardrums, away from this polluted area,I want to breath in fresh air not from air wick but from nature itself.i want to be alone,to sing with the birds and run after butterflies.i want to admire ladybirds and ask the grasshoppers who is the fairest of them all,I want to pray till Jesus talks to me personally and not using angel Gabriel.i want to walk barefoot till my feet can take it no more. I want to throw stones in the oceanimages,I want to ride horses till i can ride no more ,i want to be alone,please leave me alone.i want to disappear where there no mirrors on the streets that make me so nervous when I notice my hair is untidy,I want to release my hair to speak the language of the wind,to move left and right with no pattern. I want to be intertwined with nature itself…i want a break from everyone from everything…I want to forget am a students and use my books to make kites,I want …I want…I want.. I want to be loved…imagesI WANT,I NEED A VACATION.

 
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Posted by on June 3, 2014 in Stories, Uncategorized, wishes

 

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LET ME BE!!!!!

SORRY…,i know i love math and everything with numbers…but that doesn’t mean i need formulas on how to leave my life..a girl should act like this,sit like this,,,look like this,walk like this,dress like this,put on make up like this…etc…i hate the pressure…and i just cant take it.i type H and the first thing Google brings is ‘How to lose weight’ who told you am overweight Mr Google????i type T and  the title ‘Tips of getting big hips appears” pops up. No i will NOT!!!!!!! I will not take chick mash,layers or use padded panties to make whoever happy,i REFUSE to try too hard to impress anyone while am suffering with the consequences of eating chick mash to get the so called ‘ PERFECT FIGURE EIGHT’ for your information eight has never been my favorite number and you wont make it one so quit giving me tips i don’t need, my southern hemisphere is just perfect..Why is there a formula for everything??? cant i just live my life the way i feel i should…this pressure is driving people crazy…i see girls walk 3/4 naked in the name of fashion yet its so cold,why cant they just put on  threaded sweaters that are so warm and cozy?why should fashion be the excuse to get flu???why are grown up men dropping pants  that they end up looking like they are dressed in wet pampers???isOOH i bet i used the wrong words they don’t deserve the name men let me call them boys because like i said…SWAG IS FOR BOYS AND CLASS IS FOR MEN.why are this pretty dark girls bleaching themselves that they end up spotted and  looking like hyenas???is being dark a crime???who said lighter people are prettier???well if you think so then that proves you’ve imagesnot met me yet beimagescause am DARK AND LOVELY.must i apply make up to look presentable???sorry but i think it makes one look like a zombie [ for lack of a better word]green eyeshadow,red lipstick,spotted hyena face,pink chicks,fake eyelashes,golden tooth,and a ‘chick mash’ behind hemisphere…ooh no I WILL NOT!!!! i said i will not try to hard to wear high-heels and hurt my back in the process,NO!!!NO!!! am not too short your just the taller than you should be.NO….NOT ME…I WILL NOT…i will not….LET ME BE ME!!!!!

 
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Posted by on May 30, 2014 in Life Experience, Stories, Uncategorized

 

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EMBARRASSING MOMENTS

Today was one of those days i felt foolish despite being a genius {am not luo so this is not bragging },to start off ill tell you of this long lost  friend of mine,honestly i don’t remember his name actually i never knew it not even for a day..why that facial expression?stop doubting our friendship i said we were friendsimages you should believe we were because not many of you can acquire that title of a friend…mmmh for the sake of easy communication let us ….mmmh let me call him Bob..

Bob to me was a man I’d easily attach the age 47 to,he was so friendly,humble,smartly dressed,though not so handsome i can say he was good-looking because most of the times i saw his amazing heart before i could look at his physical appearance..BUT Bob was blind.images..he could not see…so this is how our friendship began…stori stori..we lived at Kabete by then and everyday at 6;30am i was in the stage waiting for a chopper..did  i just say chopper?i meant a matatu blame it on the cousin of the friend of my neighbor,he is luo.Mr.Bob happened to be there at exactly the same time and one day he requested me,”hello daughter would you please help me cross the road he said facing me so that i could see that his eyes were dis-formed and know that he cant see…sure dad,i said as i slid my hand into his and helped him cross the road..with time this became a daughter-father relationship and ild help him cross the busy road to the stage every single day,whether i had classes or not i’d ensure i go to the stage just to help him cross the road,we became good friend that he started telling me of his life as a blind man..he had never seen in his entire life yet he could describe how he thinks i look just by my speaking to me,he could tell what gender a person is and the approximate age of the person just by him talking on touching his hand…i found this amazing…Bob was quite an amazing person.i explained to him how he looks,how the sun looks…and our friendship blossomed.He told me of his family he was married to a blind lady but they had three amazing kids all who could see well but they were all out of the country for their studies and that is why Bob did not have anyone else to help him cross the road,he happened to work in an insurance company and from my perspective i think he was the kind of employee an employer would never like to lose because he was always in job on time.But Mwihoko happened..we relocated to Mwihoko and my frienship with Mr. Bob took another turn..i hope he got another person to help him cross the road daily…THE END

So back to my bad day,,today as i was crossing the road opposite my school i spotted a man with a stick on his hand..he was tapping it on the ground as though he could not see,he had dark shades he reminded me of Mr Bob  and i approached him and slid my hands on his thinking he was blind and i walked him across the road waving to cars to slow down…When we got to the other side of the road the guy removed his shades and hurled insults at me for thinking he was blind…i tried to speak up but my voice kept sinking in my voicebox…’NOT EVERYBODY WITH DARK SHADES AND A WALKING STICK IS BLIND DUMMY THIS IS CALLED SWAG!!!!!images‘ he shouted at me and never in my entire life have i felt this embarrased….ild give his eyes to Mr Bob if i could…..NKT!!!!!!NKTEST!!!!!!!!

 
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Posted by on May 29, 2014 in Stories, Uncategorized

 

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Oh!! my! What a day..?

Today was just special 🙂 , one of those days that things go amazingly wrong. First you wake up to some ice masterpiece blog! Oh Wat a day (4)cold water in the bathroom, then as you dance to reduce the cold effect you fall on the tiled floor in your birthday suit and so you have to go through the ice cold water again…you go to your bedroom and just when you want to iron your clothes, the lights go off…puff#; Your phone and the torch are both changeless but you find a microscopic candle that you light so carefully but the wind doesn’t let it lighten your world in peace.

masterpiece blog! Oh Wat a day (1)Nevertheless you take breakfast and wear your less-crissed clothes, you get out of the house and hurry to the stage knocking all the stones and your saddles cut just when your next to the stage….aaaah! I’lll have them made when I reach my destination….so you board the car and halfway the journey the tout asks for fare and you realise you forgot your wallet…aaah!. “Can I ‘lipa na m-pesa’, I have forgotten my wallet?” after some insults being hurled your way you send the tout money on his phone, you get to your destination and as you pull your cut saddle your dress gets stuck with one of the matatu seats and ooops! It’s all torn…haaa. its not so torn I can’t go home because I’ll be late for my exams you think.

You hurry to the mpesa agent and just when you want to remove some money for your bus fare to your final 209-274-shoe-cobbler-peru-pucallpa-001destination your phone goes off, the battery is dead! “how much is charging?” you get your phone charged and get your bus-fare from Mpesa, you rush to the cobbler And he makes your saddles, and as he is wiping them for you a motorcycle comes speeding and knocks the water he was using and it pours on your torn white dress. Now you look like ‘quail eggs’ with all those spots, but you comfort yourself, it will look like a pattern when its dry.

masterpiece blog! Oh Wat a day (7)You rush to the matatu and sit next to this guy reading a ‘encyclopidic’ novel, he’s so plumb that you can hardly fit on the seat, the matatu is all stinky and full of mosquitoes, “helow” he says in his voice that resembles that of a bulldog” obviously your not in the mood of greetings and so you don’t answer back, only for him to say “It’s not that am interested in you sister I just wanted to tell you that you have toothpaste all over your mouth” embarrassed you take out your pocket mirror and find out that he could never be more right, how did you walk to all those places and nobody told you? your pissed off and clean upmasterpiece blog! Oh Wat a day your face roughly.

There is so much jam and its just a few minutes to your exam time, so you get off the bus and take a motorcycle to school, you’ve always had a phobia for motorcycles but today you don’t even remember that, you get to school and as your getting off the motorcycle you feel some pain on your leg and you find such a big burn, it happens you sat badly and the motorcycle burnt you.

You limb to the supposedly exam room only to find its empty, what is wrong? Is masterpiece blog! Oh Wat a day (3)the exam over you ask yourself as you check the time,no it cant be,luckily you see a poster sticked on the board indicating the change of venue, oooh! You limp to the venue only to be asked for the exam card and as it was in the wallet you realised you left it also, you try to explain but the lecturer wont hear any of it ,he looks at your dirty dress in disgust and walks away. You limp to the examiner in tears and he lets you take the exam. oooh! It’s so hard, all the topics you had ‘lengad’ are there, you are blank and you fill the exam paper with all the crap you know.

masterpiece blog! Oh Wat a day (5)You decide to have lunch before you go home; and you rush to mama Kiokos kiosk and eat chafua (mandazi and beans soup) then rush to the bus only to get a call from some strange numbers, oops! It’s the tout you mpesa’d in the morning, he saved your numbers and now he is disturbing you with flat pick-up lines and old flatters.
You pay the mat and suddenly doze off and the next time you wake up your in Thika and you should have alighted at githurai! You ask for change and the tout claims he gave you, you are too tired to argue and so masterpiece blog! Oh Wat a day (8)you alight and the first person you see is your creditor, you have been assuming her calls and she wants her money now! You give her all your money and your left with no fare.

Don’t even ask how the day ended!!

 
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Posted by on February 27, 2014 in Life Experience, Stories